Saturday was an interesting day. I attended a day long workshop on edge play called Taboo.
The classes were great. I learned a lot and I even got to do some hands-on play with one of the demo bottoms which was a whole lot of fun.
But the thing that mattered most to me, perhaps because I am so new to the lifestyle, was simply being around so many others who shared my interests and attitudes toward the D/s lifestyle.
The classes were led by some very experienced Doms who have been in the lifestyle for decades. What I learned from them most was not any particular information, but a lesson in how to be. It was not anything they taught, but more a kind of stolen knowledge.
In each of them I saw something different, something unique that really characterized them, who they were, how they approached BDSM. In some cases that would resonate with me, in other cases it didn't. That was OK. I wasn't looking for someone to imitate or a style to adopt or embrace.
What I found I can best describe as a kind of social permission to be who I am. Because in every case, I saw each of them being who they were, right down to the bone. No artifice, no illusions, no apologies.
In each of them I saw some part of myself. And in seeing it in them, I could more fully embrace it in myself.
Perhaps the most interesting moment of the day came from watching one of the presenters. Only he wasn't on the stage, he was sitting to the side, watching the presentation that was going on. At his feet was a submissive, her arms wrapped around his leg, her head on his thigh. He ran his hand through her hair. Her eyes were closed and I saw a sense of serenity, peace, and calm in her. There was an energy between then, flowing, connecting, and radiating. It was spilling out into the room, yet all they were doing was sitting there.
I heard talks on everything from interrogation to enemas, humiliation, to face slapping, yet the most powerful take away for me was those few moments, off to the side, where I witnessed a genuine connection between two people just being. Being who they were. And it was beautiful.
Now I am one step closer to answering the question "What do you want?"
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I think it's smart that you are taking your time, researching, observing, thinking, exploring. Don't worry about finding a finite answer to "what do I want". What you want will naturally evolve and change over time. What you want can change within a scene as things progress and unfold.
ReplyDeleteYou are getting closer to the more important question, I think: Who am I?
The quote on my od profile is there for a reason (go look it up if you've forgotten :P).
Another caution (and then I'll get off the soapbox): please please PLEASE be careful playing with others until you are able to intelligently discern where they're at. Don't let mutual enthusiasm sway your judgement. Don't assume submissives you encounter are any more sure of themselves than you are. Don't assume you both mean the same thing by "play" or even "scene". It's very easy for a submissive to get emotionally attached before you know it - and when your only intent was to play casually, that can be a recipe for disaster. It's a tricky thing to be both involved in a scene and yet detached enough to monitor the sub's reactions and well-being. It can be equally tricky to not let the adrenaline rush overpower your judgment.
And yes, I know you already knew all that.
Finding your true self and being comfortable in your skin is an amazing thing. I'm so enjoying watching your journey unfold!